God's Will Be Done: Part One - Ignoring and Listening to God

People always say that we must trust the Lord and God’s will for our lives. That is so easily said, but sometimes it is not easily done. How do we know God’s will for our lives? Is it possible for God’s children to go against God’s will? I don’t know those answers, but I know that trusting in the Lord comes easier to me when I look back on my life and see that God is truly amazing, divine, and miraculous through the work He has done to keep me on His path.

The story of my children is the ultimate example of God's will in my life.

First you must know that I am a planner. Now I may not appear to be a planner on paper, but in my mind, I always have a plan - both short and long term. As a teenager, I dated and then broke up with boys based on whether I thought I could live with them forever and if they could be the father of my children. I knew that I was going to go to college, become a teacher, get married, and have children. Once I snagged Gary (with meticulous planning, of course), I knew that I was right on track. My last semester at Winthrop we were planning a wedding and buying a house, I was student teaching while securing a teaching job and planning graduation. Everything was right on track; life was perfect. I remember being so overwhelmed with God's blessings on us. My uncle, Don, was helping his parents clean out his grandfather's house, and they offered furniture to us for next to nothing. We got so many wedding gifts at the showers. Good friends of my parents were helping with the reception and I even got some college friends to play live at the reception! We had our dream wedding, moved into our own wonderful house with furniture that had been loved, but we loved even more because it was ours! I had a job teaching middle school math at a school that was a perfect match for me. Gary had a secure job at a large company. He didn't love it, but it was stable income and we were happy.

During this bliss I remember wondering how all of this good could happen to us. Why was all this happening? I kept waiting on something bad, like it was going to be our turn eventually. I made sure that we were giving to the church because I knew that it was only through God that we could be so blessed. The next step was to have kids. In my plan, we would be married two years and then it would be time for the kids. Well, Gary and I were not ready for kids after two years. We knew we were too selfish and young and were both in school; Gary at Coker for his bachelor's degree and me at USC for my masters. We waited a while longer. Then we decided nervously to take that bold step; we decided we MIGHT be ready to be parents!

During the summer of 2005, I was a full-time college student at USC. Gary and I celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary, and in August I found out that I was pregnant. I was so hesitant, and nervous. I think it was instinct; I knew that something wasn't right. Still, I did my best to trust in the Lord and be happy. I wanted to be creative in how I told Gary, so I bought him a book about being a dad. I bought the What to Expect When You are Expecting Book for myself. I wanted to do everything right. Well after having hormone counts done every couple of days for a week due to spotting, it was conclusive – I had miscarried. It wasn’t as hard for me because I think I knew all along. Gary, however, was devastated. We hadn’t told anyone because of the possibility of miscarriage. We thought that it would be one event that we could tell about after we finally were pregnant. I didn’t want anyone to pity me or feel sorry for me. I also didn’t want to worry or hurt our parents.

We did our best not to think too much about getting pregnant or staying pregnant. We knew that the stress wouldn’t help. Then one day at work, January 2006, I was in another teacher’s classroom and totally broke down over a student that we both taught. Those that know me know that I don’t cry over anything. I knew at that moment that I must be pregnant. In the next instant, I knew that I was miscarrying again. I found a new doctor, and he confirmed the miscarriage and also did a battery of tests to find out why. Gary and I were on pins and needles during the next six weeks. We found out in February that I had MTHFR, a genetic mutation that causes blood clots. It was a relief to know why I couldn’t stay pregnant, but it was also heart-breaking to know I had something in my genes that wouldn’t allow me to stay pregnant. Dr. Estes explained that there had been patients with this disorder who’d had successful pregnancies with a regimen of daily aspirin and a shot of Lovenox daily during pregnancy. He said next time we should come in immediately after becoming pregnant to get on the shots as early as possible.

I can’t say that I remember exactly what I was feeling during and after that appointment. I know that in the hours and days that followed Gary and I discussed how, when, and what to tell our parents. We didn’t want to tell them about the miscarriages or tests until we had some answers. Now we had answers, what next? I was hurt and disappointed, but at the same time I was determined. I knew that I was going to be a mother, and I couldn’t wait to see Gary as a father. I wasn’t going to let MTHFR stop us; I just needed a plan.

I already knew what God’s plan was, but I had been ignoring it since the fall. God speaks to us and prepares us, but we have to listen to Him. I had been “hearing” God’s voice, but I had chosen not to listen all school year. My plan wasn’t yet in sync with His plan. As absurd as it sounds, I first heard God through the show Desperate Housewives. There was a couple on the show who was considering adoption. As I watched the adoption scenario unfold on the show, I remember telling God to stop. One Sunday night, during the show, I realized that God had also sent someone else into my life to lead us toward adoption. There was a new teacher two doors down from my own classroom. She had a bi-racial son that I suspected had been adopted. He was in the daycare at our school, so I saw him often and wondered about her story. I never asked. I think I was scared that talking to Angie would force me to admit that adoption would be such a perfect opportunity.

Gary and I each told our families about the miscarriages and the test results. We didn’t plan anything. We didn’t sit them down formally. I don’t even remember telling my parents as much as I remember telling my sister. I want to say that we were painting momma and daddy’s house when momma asked if I had told Amy. Amy was sitting there, so I told her. I hadn’t realized how this would affect her, but she immediately realized that there was a risk that she might also have this genetic mutation. She and Adam had been married for less than a year, so becoming parents wasn’t a pressing issue yet; but she was proactive in learning all she could about MTHFR and getting tested herself. She and my mom were tested and while they waited for the results, they both did what I was sure I did not want to do – search the Internet! I got several phone calls each week from both of them about how terrible MTHFR is, what could happen to the baby, and what to do about it. I only half listened to them, and I continued to do only what my doctor suggested; a daily baby aspirin. My mom and Amy both received positive test results. I was so upset for Amy. I had unofficially decided that I would listen to God’s will and Gary and I would adopt, but I didn’t know how Amy would deal with her news. My mom’s result offered a positive light. She had Amy and me without complication or special treatment. Although this didn’t change what I knew God had planned for Gary and me; I felt hopeful for Amy and Adam.

Gary told his family. I don’t know what he said or what they said. I felt like it would be weird for all of us to ignore it, so I brought it up casually every once in a while. I wanted them to know that I was okay, and they could talk to me. The hardest part during all of this was feeling like people were tip-toeing around me. I didn’t want anyone to feel sorry for Gary and me. We had cousins on each side, Kristin and Sabrina, expecting during all of this. I was jealous, but I was also so excited for both of them.

I finally talked to the teacher at school, Angie. It was the last day of school at the district breakfast. There were very few seats left. I sat next to her. God saved that seat for me. She was so open, positive, and excited to tell me all about how she and Jason adopted Wyatt from birth and were even in the room when he was born. Gary and I decided that we were going to adopt. Even if we got pregnant, we were going to adopt. It was such a feeling of relief to finally feel we were back on the right path. We talked with our parents again, but this time we wanted to make sure that they were okay with our decision to adopt. Gary and I were open to any race or gender, but we wanted be sure that our families were okay with that as well. Of course they were. We were all so excited and curious about the journey adoption would take us on. Once we made this life-changing decision, God took hold of our lives and began doing His work around us!

Stay tuned for our adoption story!